Why people respond to how you are, not what you do
The real measure of being a good human
Most of us know how to measure success. But what is the true self development meaning behind being a “good human”?
Usually, when it comes to skills, the assessment is straightforward. We understand what actions and behaviours define the skill and what level of proficiency is expected. When a skill produces a tangible outcome, with a clearly defined right or wrong answer, it feels easy. Like a mathematical sum.
But as soon as subjectivity enters the picture, it becomes harder. When the “skill” is being human, the question becomes even more uncomfortable. How do I know if I’m doing it well? How do I know if I’m a good human? How do I learn how to be a good person in a world that only values visible output?
We’re raised with certain values. Most societies broadly agree that respect, kindness, fairness, tolerance and honesty are virtues. Yet, we see aggression in classrooms, traffic, organisations and homes. Manipulation and betrayal in governments and churches. Control, ego and fear disguised as leadership. So what’s missing? Perhaps this is where we’re going wrong: We keep trying to assess human goodness the same way we assess skills, by what is visible and measurable.
I think of it like a ballet dancer who learns the steps of a routine perfectly, yet lacks passion, presence or flow. The technique is there, but the dance isn’t alive. Human behaviour works the same way. We can master the behaviour of listening and yet, the other person doesn’t feel heard. We perform kind actions, yet it doesn’t land as kindness. It feels like an obligation, a tick-box exercise.
Why is that? Because we’re living by default, focused almost exclusively on doing. Actions, tasks and behaviours. But what actually shapes how our actions land is invisible and deeply felt. This is the inner game, the orientation and quality we bring into a moment.
People don’t respond first to what you do. They respond to who you are being while you do it. As the famous orchestra conductor Ben Zander asks: “How are you being today that will make other people’s eyes shine?”
Being is the inner game from which action arises. It’s the emotional, mental and ethical quality you inhabit, and therefore transmit, in every interaction. This is why personal growth and development is so vital. Whether you’re doing the shopping, asking a question or driving your car, the action stays the same, but your being, how you do it, changes everything.
Being is virtues lived in real time. Not talking about patience, but embodying it in tone, pace and breath. Not discussing kindness, but letting it shape how you listen. Not promoting courage, but standing steady when it would be easier to withdraw.
In a world where unity, ubuntu and collaboration is becoming increasingly important, the impact we have on others matters more than ever. The development of the self in society is not an option. So perhaps the question needs to shift.
From: “What are you doing to motivate or impact people positively?” To: “How are you being to ensure you are becoming the person you choose to be by design?”
Because when we learn how to develop good habits of being, people experience us differently. They feel psychological safety, openness, ease, trust and expansion. And these are the conditions where innovation, creativity and honest conversations become possible.